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The Marriage Vows Why Be Married Officially? What is the function of vows in marriage? What do they add to the relationship of the couple? What difference do they make to a marriage-type relationship? Do the marriage vows have broader implications for the cohesion of society? What are the implications for the answers to these questions where couples choose to write their own vows? One might also ask about the effect of pre-nuptial financial agreements on the integrity of marriage vows. Would they reduce the marriage arrangement to a mere voluntary compact? The Marriage Vows. What are we talking about? According to Halsbury's Laws of England,
In Australia the Marriage Act 1961-1966 states:
The marriage vows are the official promises made by the partners to each other in a public ceremony. This is true equally, regardless of whether the activity occurs in a church, a park, and a registry office. It makes no difference whether a priest, minister, celebrant, or a secular public servant administers the oaths. The only proviso is that the vows are administered in a manner that the law of the land recognises as a marriage ceremony. There need only be five persons in attendance: the couple; two adult witnesses, and the celebrant. The Marriage Vows 1 Are not merely "statutory declarations", in that they do not merely express solemn commitments in the presence of legislation alone. (This is not inconsistent with the fact that in Australia couples need to make statutory declarations prior to the Marriage.)The vows are not merely "solemn affirmations" in a church wedding, as they are made with a reference to the presence of God, and the assumption that we are thereby accountable to him. They are more like "affidavits", promises made under oath, recorded in writing. The relevant wording within the church's liturgies records the content of the oaths. The fact that they are made at a specific time and place is recorded in witnessed writing before the witnesses and assembled company are disbursed. 2 The Encyclopaedia Britannica(3) defines as follows: "oath, a statement, assertion, or solemn affirmation usually involving the penalty of divine retribution for intentional falsity, often used in legal procedures". A Wedding involves "legal procedures" in that it has to conform to procedures recognised by legislation, and must be performed by persons authorised by legislation and government regulations under those statutes. The content of the "statement" or "assertion" in the wedding ceremony is a promise or collection of promises, done "in the presence of God", and, therefore in open expression of accountability to him. We here make eight statements about the value and importance of the marriage Vows . In so doing, I acknowledge my indebtedness to Nicholas Aroney in an article "Oaths in Society"(4) in which he has made seven assertions about oaths, to which I refer in the footnote. Although he was not referring specifically to marriage, his assertions bear parallel to what is true especially of marriage vows. A disclaimer A knowledge of fallen human nature, both from the Bible and from experience, indicates that undertaking marriage vows does not necessarily produce the benefits here indicated! However, insofar as the vows are entered into "in spirit and in truth", and insofar as continuing effort is made to safeguard and enrich the relationship, the following are indicators of the directions in which marriage can be expected to go. The Importance of Marriage Vows 1 The Marriage Vow owns the link between religion, government and family morality. As an oath it presupposes the absolute sovereignty of God and the requirement that all things be done under God and to His glory. In this respect we may say the following with regard to marriage vows.
These items are reminiscent of the covenantal structure that can be seen in the Bible. (5) 2 The Marriage Vow acknowledges reliance upon the will and power of God to overcome the insecurities which flow from human weakness and sin. We rely on God to keep us together. Without a covenant making ceremony (even of the simplest variety), mutual and consensual compact involving sexual intercourse and cohabitation arises out of the intentions of the couple to live with such intimacy. However, it is conditional upon both remaining willing to live this way. Both have offered and accepted the highest and deepest expressions of personal commitment without having offered each other a binding commitment in the presence of witnesses. There is a risk of taking from each other more than they give to each other. Marriage vows, on the other hand, acknowledge the frailty that can be aggravated by worse situations, poorer circumstances and sickness, and affirm that it is "until death us do part". The marriage service invokes God's standards as the benchmark. 3 The Marriage Vow invokes God's standards for marriage. The couple place themselves whether knowingly or unknowingly, whether willingly or unwillingly, under the precepts of the Word of God, outlined in the Scriptures. Whatever God says about marriage, they assent to and agree to be bound by. For instance, they agree to refrain from sexual intercourse with any other person than their spouse. They agree to follow whatever the Scriptures say about husbands and wives. The service also involves God's protection on their union and warns off any who would threaten to compromise or adulterate the union between the couple (including the partners to the marriage themselves!).
4 The Marriage Vow defines the nature of the relationship which we call marriage. Without the marriage vows, a marriage-like relationship has no absolute definition as to what constitutes that relationship. Neither are any promises made to which objective reference may be made at a later time. 5 The Marriage Vow is the basis for governmental regulation, under God, and of acceptance of its authority to regulate, if only minimally, matters related in initiation, maintenance and dissolution of the marriage union. Society has to regulate marriage.(7) For the enforcement of its sanctity public policy is needed. This presupposes a role for the state.(8) A public marriage accepts the protection of the state for the union and also acknowledges the right of the state to have a jurisdiction with regard to marriage. Within Australia the judicial system has upheld that marriage does not grant the right to sex on demand unless it is always by mutual consent. Should the relationship be terminated, the role of the government in giving effect to the termination (by divorce) is also acknowledged. This is necessary to the existence of a stable society, for it sets up a procedural legitimacy for the regulation of the protection of the children of the marriage, and also of the property rights of the parties to the marriage. 6 The Marriage Vow establishes Biblical balances in the mutual accountability of the partners to the marriage. The promises in the marriage vows are made "in the presence of God", so what each party promises the other is circumscribed by the requirements and understanding in Scripture. For example Ephesians 5 exhorts wives to honour the leadership of their husbands, but adds "as to the Lord". A submission that is not in accordance with Scripture is not done "as to the Lord". Questions of authority, headship and mutual accountability are presumed to be in accordance with the Scriptures, when marriage vows are made in the name of Christ. Without such vows, what absolutes are available to a de facto couple in determining the logic and daily practice of their "one flesh" relationship? 7 The Marriage Vow preserves marriage against absence of boundaries and also against boundary abuse. It establishes a balance between the individuality and the conjugality of each partner to the marriage. A marriage with vows communicates clearly to society the nature of the relationship which a couple intends to pursue. It implies the acknowledgement by the individuals to declare to the wider society that they intend to live in a permanent relationship in which sexual union is practised. 8 The Marriage Vow establishes unselfish love as the secure guardian of sex. "Those whom God has joined together, let no one put asunder!" The practice of a marriage-type relationship without the sanction of the vows leaves the relationship between the couple outside the special protection of God. It deprives them of protection from competing courtiers. It also leads to the individual and unilateral claiming of the deepest privileges of intimate relationship without the offering of witnessed commitment, and apart from the considerations in the Word of God. It is reasonable to suggest that most people who get married and most people who enter de facto relationships believe that their own relationship has much to do with love. The Greek language has several words for love. Some of these refer to mutual attraction. One of them, agaph, implies a type of love that relies on the will of the person doing the loving, even if mutual attraction is missing. What is certain is that a deep love will be unselfish and giving, however much is received by the love-er before or after an interaction (whether sexual or not). A marriage with oaths, when experienced according to those vows, preserves the balance in Godly leadership in Christ. Further there is potentially preserved a balance between the individual and the couple. Families and marriage are a unity, but they also consist of individuals who are made in the image of God. There is meant to be a balance of unity and diversity. How Much is Sex? It is helpful to be aware that a loving relationship comes with a price. A loving relationship is a commitment. A commitment is an investment. An investment costs an outlay. Whether married or not it is useful for a person who has had sexual intercourse to ask what it has cost their partner to make the commitment implied and involved in even a solitary sex act. What does it cost your partner to give what you receive and enjoy? She (or he) makes herself vulnerable through the enhanced physical exposure and output of emotional and physical energy. If she has any misgivings about herself at all, she has a need to know how acceptable she is? How much does she matter to you? Why does she matter to you? How much of it is to do with what you receive from her? To what extent do you admire and appreciate herself for herself? Would you give her the same apparent feedback of joy and appreciation if she were older or more stressed, or if physical circumstances reduced the incidence of intercourse? How does she know you would always be there for her? How does she know you would not feel free to terminate the relationship easily if faced with the prospect of another relationship? Of course all these insecurities can be felt in many de jure marriages. This type of insecurity is aggravated by the easiness of divorce under the Family Law Act of 1975 and similar acts in other countries, where the only ground for divorce is the "no fault" ground of "irretrievable breakdown". But marriage is about building a trust relationship. Why enter such a relationship without making the public promises that imply intention to allay fears and nurture a relationship made safe by promises in the presence of God? What makes Marriage a Marriage? 1
Contract with Witnesses The wedding ceremony need not be in a church, though if done in a church or by a minister authorised as a celebrant, should conform to the order of that church and to requirements of the nation. Some ceremony is needed. The OT did not lay down the procedures, but it is implicit that a public covenant ceremony of some type would be needed. Otherwise, how would one know the difference between a marriage relationship and a fornicatory relationship? Also, as the Bible required the writing of a certificate for a divorce, it may be assumed that the marriage had not been solemnized without some public ceremony, however "private" it may have been. John 2 gives evidence that some marriages at least were performed in the family home, that the parents presided, and that a celebratory meal occurred. Matthew's parable of the wise and foolish virgins would have been stilted if marriage celebrations were not part of the culture. 2
Cohabitation and sexual union. Without overt sexual union the relationship is not marriage. A marriage can be declared null and void if coetus does not occur. Until sexual consummation of the union, the ceremony remains promissory and declaratory. 3
Realignment of primal relationships. Does all Sexual Intercourse Establish an Indelible Relationship The meaning of the question is this, does sexual intercourse bring about some relationship dimension which cannot be undone? The Bible teaches that marriage does not continue in Heaven, and that after a married person dies, the spouse may marry someone else. Monogamy is presented as God's norm for the lifetime of a married couple. At the same time the Bible allows for divorce, and most theologians believe that the Scriptures allow for remarriage in some instances. There are also instances where the Bible allowed polygamy (e.g. David, Elkanah), but never commended it. Paul taught that prostitution made its participants enter into a "one-body" union, which involves unfaithfulness to the exclusive sexual relationship which should exist only in the "one flesh" relationship of marriage. Repentance and renunciation of prohibited relationships brings forgiveness. People who have had illicit relationships need to repent and renounce those relationships. The "one flesh" soul tie should be severed in prayer (Matthew 18: 18-20 prayer of binding and loosing)(9) . Nothing in the Bible suggests that previous illicit sex disqualifies a person from marriage(10), but repentance and the breaking of the soul tie gives the marriage a better prospect of success and enrichment. Experience derived from prayer ministry indicates that many people who have had loose sexual encounters have themselves been sexually violated whether as children or as adolescents. The character Jenny in the film Forest Gump is a victim of child abuse who experiences sexual instability as an adult and is very slow to get married. Sexual relationships seem to leave an ongoing "bonding", at least in practice. What preserves a Marriage? Marriage is preserved when attention is given to:
Both are needed. A jealously guarded marriage contract without a caring and sensitive relationship can become like a heavy bondage. Relationship without covenant is licentious and also unloving, because it fails to give the covering of promise and permanence to the other party. Sex works best when the primary motivation is to bring heightened pleasure to the other person. A carefully built relationship needs to be protected by each party refraining from adulterating the relationship by experiencing inappropriate levels of intimacy with persons outside their marriage union. What about self-written vows? 1 The state gives only limited latitude, especially where a religion or a denomination solemnizes the matrimony. The state requires the vows to be administered in accordance with the order of that church. The Anglican Church allows for minor choice between its various set vow formats. 2 Because the vows are done "in the presence of God" their wording should be consistent with the teaching of Scripture. 3 Too much latitude would confuse societal awareness of the nature and expectations of marriage. Conclusion It is especially appropriate for marriage vows be taken by people who intend cohabitation and a sexual union, because the vows define the relationship, establish boundaries, acknowledge the role of God and of the "state". The marriage vow also places sexual union within the secure covering of the promise of permanent commitment, and is, therefore, of the nature of self-sacrificial love.
Endnotes 1. Halsbury's Laws of England 2nd edition Volume xi, ed by Viscount Hailsham, Butterworth, London, 1933, #1490, pp. 814-5 back to text 2. Marriage Act 1961-1966 46 (1) back to text 3. Encyclopaedia Britannica1768-1974 Micropaedia VII, p. 458 back to text 4.
N. Aroney, "Oaths in Society" in F. A. C. S. Report Vol 13, No
7 July 1994 (Foundation for the Advancement of Christian Studies, Ferny
Hills, Qld) N. Aroney is a member of the faculty of law in the University
of Queensland. His main assertions regarding oaths are: 5. The Covenant structure includes: God's initiative; Via God's servants; Encapsulating God's standards; Leading to God's blessing in God's Future. back to text 6 The Book of Common Prayer 1662. A similar form of words is used in An Australian Prayer Book (AAPB), 1978 (Anglican Information Office, Sydney) back to text 7 Tanzania has a plural system of marriage to cater for Christianity, Islam and traditional religion. See Sheria za Ndoa and Kesi za Ndoa. back to text 8. But see John Witte Jr, From Sacrament to Contract: Marriage, Religion and Law in the Western Tradition (Westminster, Louisville, Kentucky, 1997. This work compares the question of the earthly government of marriage as it has been dealt with in different traditions: Roman Catholic, Anglican, Lutheran, Reformed, and the Enlightenment. See also Harold J. Berman, Law and Revolution: The Formation of the Western Legal Tradition (Harvard University Press, 1983), and Brian Tierney, The idea of Natural Rights: Studies in Natural Rights, Natural, Law, and Church Law 1150- 1625 Scholars Press, Atlanta, Georgia, 1997 back to text 9. The use of Matthew 18 in this way is not inconsistent with its use by Christ in the context of church discipline. Christ enunciated a principle which is expressed in such generalised terms as to be applicable in other contexts and situations. back to text 10. Except as provided in Leviticus. back to text Lindsay Johnstone Copyright J. H. L. Johnstone, 2000 All rights reserved
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